Debbie Downer

So I'm sure everyone is bored of my ramblings about missions and the debbie downer mood it brings so this is my warning, this post is no different. If you are sick of it, disregard this one. :)

So it's been 3 days. That's it. However, it feels like a lifetime.

Wednesday was by far the hardest. I was still really sensitive about it and everyone just kept asking if I was okay. I would just say "Yeah, I'm fine, it's whatever", because I wasn't about to talk about it yet.
All I wanted to do was find out what he was doing, if he was okay and be there to give him a hug at the end of his I'm sure, really long day.
Then all day, I literally had nothing to do so I sat around all day, watching tv, checking my computer every two seconds, searching gifts to send missionaries, just missing him.
Peter came over and watched Footloose with me because we were both bored out of our minds.
After that I just went straight to bed. This day needed to be over. I knew the first day had to be the hardest and I could end it right now by going to sleep.
But having alone time and just laying there thinking proved to be harder then I thought.
It didn't help that the c.d. he made me was playing in the background.
I cried until I fell asleep because it was the first time in 2 years that I went to sleep without texting him good night. 
I woke up on Thursday and had plans that day.
I started my summer job and was going to be busy all day.
I went over to start babysitting at 9.
We did a face painting stand.
Then we packed lunches and headed over to this new park that is all the rage.
It was really busy but the kids had fun.
I sat there on the lawn, wishing I had friends to run around with but I was getting less upset about this situation.
On the way home, I pushed play on my ipod that was playing Mike's cd and this day it was just too had to listen to. It made me miss him even more.
We went back to their house and jumped in the pool, I got a little sunburned and got to enjoy summer a little.
I came back home and took a little nap and talked to some of my sweet friends who called to check up on me.
I think this whole thing would be a lot easier if they were here.
If Lynds was here to just do stupid pointless things with me that kept my mind of things.
If Sarah was here to keep me laughing.
If Jenna C. was here to give me a hug and be the biggest sweetheart ever.

But they're not. They are off on adventures, enjoying their summer. And I think that is great but I for sure miss my friends. 

Later Thursday, I gave in and emailed Elder Free, just to let him know that I'm thinking about him and praying for him.
I felt stupid because it was the second day but I am dying to hear from him and thought maybe I'll try an email.
Then I remembered he can't check that until Monday.

Jenna and I went to dinner to eat our feelings because we both had a really long day.
She asked about Mike and what we had done this week.
I started to tell her and just couldn't help but cry thinking about everything.
I'm sure the training table workers loved us.

While we were at dinner, Mike's adorable mom called me to see how I was doing and we both agreed that Thursday was much easier then Wednesday.
She told me that Chimera, Mike's fish was supposed to be passed on to me, it's mother, apparently.
So I get to go pick that up today and go back to his house for the first time.

Jenna and I saw What to Expect when You're Expecting.
It wasn't as funny as I thought it would be but it was a nice way to get my mind off of things.

Basically it's just been hard to get back to reality since he's left.
Everything reminds me of him.
I see couples and I just stare and can't decide if I just love them or if I want to punch them.
The only way I feel better is getting to talk to people about him but that gets way annoying.
So I do my best not to say anything.

I miss that boy more then I ever thought was possible and in ways I never imagined.
It is so hard not being able to hear how his day is going everyday, to be able to catch up at the end of the day.
He is in a whole new place and situation and I have no idea what it's like.
That is killing me.
The anticipation of getting a letter is so hard.
I just want to know what it's like, what he is going through.
I'm making myself sick thinking that he could be having as hard of a time as I am.

I know what he is doing is the right thing. 
I know he is being an amazing example to everyone.
I know that in two years it will all be over and he'll never have to leave again.
I know that this experience is going to change his life.
I know that it could possibly change mine.
I know that he is stronger then I think.
I know that he can do this.

But thinking about living 2 years like this, waiting for letters, waiting to hear from him, waiting to make sure he is okay, is going to be hard.

I really need to find something to keep me busy and keep my mind off of it.
I'm thinking Study Abroad, some kind of Summer job in another place, something exciting and different.

For now, I'll be a debbie downer and try and suck it up and remember the good things about this. Which there are a million. It is a huge blessing and I knew everyone involved in this will be blessed. 

End rant. Until next time...